Tuesday, 17 August 2010



Firstly that movie was bloody brilliant. Just loved it the whole way through. But if you're thinking I'm on here to write a movie review you are mistaken.

Firstly lets go back to any time when I was at a theme park prior to yesterday. I'd go to the theme park with my friends and would enjoy my time by riding any ride but the large roller coasters. You see I have a fear of falling rapidly to the ground. Just looking at a roller coaster would set in a panic. My chest would tighten, I'd shake my head and refuse to get on. Yesterday I looked at the roller coasters and didn't feel anxiety, I felt intrigued, even a bit tempted. To be honest I stood in line with the others yesterday for two roller coasters and almost got on. But it wasn't the anxiety that stopped me because I didn't feel that anxious, it was the memory of the anxiety I didn't want to betray. a bit later in the day I did go on one roller coaster. It wasn't one of your standard sized ones it was somewhere between the kiddie coasters and the full grown ones. Never the less it did have a steep slope that was about first floor height (2nd floor by American standards) but that didn't worry me, it made me excited. So I rode the coaster got the appropriate anxiety and screamed it out. Afterwards I was energized and felt like I'd not really pushed it far enough, I wanted to try a bigger one. But before we got the chance the crash came. Because once your brain starts firing off like crazy due to the anxiety inevitably there is a crash in energy, how big I think depends on quite a few things. For me I was still dealing with the low of saying goodbye to a part of my life; a person I wasn't really ready to part from. So for me the crash came large and I wasn't in control so I not only lost that excess energy I sunk deeper.

Now to bring you back. After the movie tonight I was in the loo and I flash to that moment on the coaster, right before the fall and I recognized the anxiety I felt then was the anxiety I had felt for the last ten minutes of the movie. Then I recognized the high of energy I was feeling in that loo was because that anxiety in the movie and that is when it all changed. Anxiety had shifted from being a thing of fear, a thing to obey and be over come by to a thing to relish and seek out. I wanted to get on a big roller coaster and feel that anxiety just to get the energy high afterwards. Does this mean now that when I'm in a job situation and I start feeling anxious that instead of closing down I'll thrive knowing my brain is firing off chemicals and I'm being given a super energy of sorts. A super energy that could be utilized to power through the difficult situation and come out victorious. So what happens when all your life anxiety has been negative and then you turn it into a positive? I don't know but I'm going to find out. I know I'm going back a few inches taller than I came. I know I understand quite a few things but that those things are disorganized and missing pieces. By getting the degree I'll fill in those gaps and organize those pieces.

Yesterday I closed a 6 month chapter in my life. I didn't want to close that chapter yet for many reasons. One is that I know when I go home I'm going back very differently than when I came and its going to change all the future decisions I make. That sort of massive change is a lot to contend with. Secondly it makes the reality of the end of my relationship with Ross much clear and more real. That last night out with Ross he held me in his apartment as a friend while I cried and cried. That kiss goodbye at the station was a kiss on the lips as a friend and it was a kiss goodbye to the past. At least that was what it felt like to me. As I took that last look at him it was goodbye to the person I came here as, goodbye to what I came for and hello to change and this big new world that had opened in front of me. that much emotion would make anyone at least sniffle a little it just happened to make me cry buckets as I'm a bit, extra special shall we say ;). I'm so proud to be the person I am now and I'm not even 23 yet. It means I'm in a very good place to grow and change from.

To think this whole adventure came about because the world I knew collided with Ross'; one day in a mall in San Francisco............

Sunday, 15 August 2010

Proudly British-American

or American-British I don't mean to suggest anything by the way I order it I simply like the sound better when its British-American. Anyhow I've been here a bit more than six months and while I've regarded England as home I now truly feel British and American of course ;).

Yesterday Ross, Helena, Robbie and I all went out for drinks at Detroit in Covent Garden. It was so nice to see them all and chat. Robbie and Helena headed off around 10 or so, or maybe later I honestly was not looking at a clock. Ross and I stuck around a bit longer and finished off some nice red wine then I suggested we go dancing. I had lots of fun in the club with him just being a goof and enjoying my last night with my best friend. On the way to the bus we started to pass by some blokes and I just randomly stopped and looked at one of the guys and said something like "O, my god! I'm so glad I ran into you" and he said something like "I'm really glad I ran into you as well" and we just had a rather exaggerated lil banter which amused me to no end. We shook hands, introduced ourselves then went on our separate ways. Ross and I caught the night bus back to his where I proceeded to talk his ear off for several hours till at 4am Ross finally was crashing and needed to sleep. I let him go and stayed up. I ended up not going to sleep, I was just thinking about too much. I'd already spent a good portion of our chat in the wee hours crying leaving quite a wet patch on Ross' shirt. Poor lad :p.

I was really sorry to say goodbye to the flat as it is not unlikely Ross will move out of it before I come back to London again. That flat was more my home then the place I lived in full time. I had kept musli in the cupboards, wondered about in Ross' robe and memorized the way to both of the near by tube stations. I cried some more than Ross and I headed off for a bit of breakky. I enjoyed some scrambled eggs and sausage and more talking with Ross. He walked me to the tube station and hugged me for a very long time before setting me off onto the tube. I walked through the barriers and turned for a final wave and started crying all over again.

I initially thought about this day when I'd have to say goodbye to Ross for awhile and was sure I'd cry. But I thought I was going to cry because I was still so much in love with him and I didn't want to leave him and go 8,000 mi away. Then mid July we got together for drinks and we just didn't seem to have a flow of conversation so afterwards I thought perhaps I wouldn't be too upset after all. As it turns out I was going through the normal motions putting Ross into a new category, the friend category. And it worked. Being able to see him so much in August, first with my sis then going to Google London for a free lunch with him and then my leaving do really helped cement a good friend ship. So in the end I didn't cry for the reasons I thought I would. I cried because Ross has been a massive part of my life these last 6months and he has led me on a path which has caused great change for me. I really feel like I'm going back an adult. A strong confident adult. And when Ross gave me a peck goodbye at Fullham Broadway it felt like the close to a chapter in my life. I'm surprised it has all happened so quickly. I still remember our first date, meeting his parents and so much more. I'm excited for all the new things that are going to happen and where they will lead. I expect to travel much more and hopefully back to London not so long from now for a longer more permanent stay. Ross said to me " I'm glad you're a daft cow that decided to fly half round the world for me" or something to that effect and I am too. He was worth every single mile and then some. I'm gutted to leave but I know being in California to get my degree is the best choice.

Now I'm up north in Chorley with my lovely cousin Franny, her beautiful son Seth, her mum and dad (my aunt and uncle) and her boyfriend. It is a full house so I'll probably move on to somewhere just not sure where yet. My great Aunts big do is this Friday which ought to be loads of fun. Next Wednesday is my friends wedding and then I fly to California on the 26th.

Not much else to say. Cali friends and family am looking forward to seeing you loads. To London and my wonderful London friends thank you for an incredible journey that will stay with me for my life time.

Excuse me I need to cry some more now. I'm glad to be so gutted to go. It means I've spent 6mo truly living and loving mostly everything. I'd rather cry enough tears to fill a barrel then to feel apathetic.

Sunday, 8 August 2010


Ug, I've come down with a cold of sorts and this does not make me happy. I'm attacking it vehemently with steam, cough syrup, gargling salt water, hot honey water, and rest. Go away, go away, go away!!! But that isn't very interesting.

Tuesday out with my sis was grand. We did quite a lot of walking and then quite a bit of resting. She was very tired and I was too so we took advantage of a restaurant and had a long lunch :D. We also walked through St. James park, Trafalgar Sq. and Covent Garden. We nosed in some shops along Carnby st and then met up with Ross at a pub called Victoria where we had some drinks before wondering to Chimes for dinner. I headed back to Windsor for the evening while my sister made use of Ross' couch which he so kindly offered (hehe, after I asked him). Then Wednesday it took me blinkin ages to get to Ross'. First one bus then transfer to another and then the tube and another bus. Got there in the end and then did the journey backwards. Got the case off at the airport, it was thankfully no more than 23kg, and away she went.

Thursday Louise and I went out to the local club and had quite a bit of fun dancing. She was naughty and snogged someone who was only 19! teehee. I refrained from snogging any random bloke, none of them took my fancy *sticks nose in air*. hehe.

Friday I packed up and headed to my Uncle Bernards.

Saturday I spent most of the day watching Ross play footie for charity. It was a 12hr event consisting of 29 games. I actually really liked the idea of it and would love to join. I just have to coincide visiting England with the event and also make sure I'm in some bloody good shape! Ha, I did take a break to have a milkshake with a new friend in Oxford Circus. Not much to report there. Nice gentleman starting up his photography business here in London. He grew up in Paris and hopes to establish himself internationally.

Today I saw my cousin Julia and her husband Chris for lunch. We had a nice natter then I needed to nap around four because I was quite tired. Other than that I love being at my Uncles because there is always yummy food here. Simple and tasty so that makes me very happy.

Trying to relax this week and beat this cold. Hopefully going to Google London where Ross can brag about the amazing lunches he gets for free! I'll report back on what I think of the food ;). I also here tales of a nice terrace and bean bag chairs, so looking forward to checking it out.

Saturday, 31 July 2010

up,up and away

I write to you all from Windsor UK. Windsor is home to the oldest inhabited castle in the world, just so you know ;).

So you want to know what happened last week. I spoke with Paul and TJ and in the end we decided I'd end my job Friday the 30th (yesterday) and they would buy me a plane ticket back to California for August the 26th. They would have happily given me the money for the ticket to use to live in London but I was already planning on coming back in December and it seemed a lot of effort to try and find a job to support myself for three months so Cali bound I am. In addition they give their nannies two weeks paid holiday but TJ said she would do 3 which is great because now I'm able to support myself as I bounce from friend and relative till I leave.

I arrived in windsor yesterday utterly shattered at 5 in the evening but managed to stay awake till 10. Took a wander through town then Louise's friend Mark came by and we played scrabble. All very good fun. Today Louise (yes she is the friend I'm staying with for a week) and I walked through Windsor and went into the various shops. Again I was quite tired around 2 but had some lunch and watched the movie Enchanted so now I feel much revived. My theory for why I've been soo tired is the massive emotional change I've made recently. While working there I believe I was constantly anxious. I became ocd about cleaning the kitchen and keeping the lounges tidying, worrying that when Paul would come home he'd be dissatisfied. Now don't be mislead they are a lovely family but living with them is very different entirely. Now that I'm not there I think my whole body has just breathed this sigh and has become very tired from buzzing like that all the time. Its like having jet lag, which is bizarre but there you go. Sure I'll adjust to relaxing and being on vacation pretty soon :).

Tonight is Taming of the Shrew at The Windsor Globe. Monday I may be getting into Windsor Castle for free to have a look around and Tuesday I get to see my sis again and wonder bout London. Wednesday I'll be sending her back to the states with my massive case (woohoo) and then not much more plans other than moving from place to place.

Well dinner now. Life is good and I am happy. So excited for what is to come and looking forward to all the challenges I have yet to face.

Sunday, 25 July 2010

Gotta stop running sometime

Ello, ello its been a little while. I'll start with the most recent event. Earlier today when I got home from being in London Paul asked "Are you going to clean the boys bathrooms?" Which I responded by saying "O, well I have". He then went on to tell me it didn't look like the bathrooms had even been touched and everything was still dirty. This made me rather irritated but I went and cleaned the bathrooms again. Then he came down a little while later and asked again if I was going to clean the bathrooms. To which I said " I have, twice now" he then went on to ask me if I just didn't like house work or if I wasn't good at it etc. I told him I didn't appreciate how he was speaking to me and I didn't think he was being constructive. In the end we were just in a yelling match in which I ended by saying "Don't worry, my contract is up Aug 10th and I'll be gone then" and he said " Well can you you leave next weekend?", "yes", "can you leave tonight?" "fine".

Wow that was intense. I then proceeded to call my lovely cousin Gabrielle and have a panic attack. Fortunately she stayed on the phone with me and got me to breathe regularly and calm down. She reminded me I was an adult and I needed to go and speak to Paul in a calm manner. She also told me it was best to not leave in a hurry tonight.

She was right. I've spent the last year or so running from who knows what, convincing myself it wasn't a problem I needed to face right now. Hm, anxiety is tricky that way, convincing you of things that are completely untrue! Running only led me to feel like a failure. Twice last year I had jobs which ended abruptly. Though in the case of the second job I did have a very good discussion with the boss. Even so I still had a restless uneasy feeling. I couldn't get over the fact that I kept dropping things suddenly; school,work,projects. I would leave it all to the wayside when I got anxious. I'm still unsure as to why this has happened more so in the last year, but there you go it has. Today I stopped that chain. I got myself to calm down and I went down stairs and told Paul "I was trying to do what you asked and when we were speaking earlier I wasn't trying to be defensive I was trying to solve the issue. I'm upset at how this turned out and I would prefer to speak with you and TJ tomorrow and just calm down this evening". Paul apologized for yelling and loosing his temper and said we'd work things out tomorrow and to not feel awkward tonight. So its resolved, we'll have a mature conversation tomorrow to work out the details. Currently I feel too exhausted to feel much of anything other than exhaustion but I know this has been a huge turning point for me and I'm very grateful for the experience.

I have eaten a tasty if not very healthy dinner and will be heading off to see Toy Story Three where I can bawl my eyes out and thus relieve some of this tension. Perhaps I'll stand on my head when I come home, hm.

In other news I have now seen two ballets!! I saw Giselle last weekend and Swan Lake just last Friday. I was more awed by Giselle and pulled into that story than with Swan Lake. While Swan Lake was beautiful I did not feel the same high that I got from watching Giselle which absolutely blew me away. Well next week Spartcus by the Bolshoi which I'm excited to see. Up till now I've been watching the Mikhailovsky troupe perform.

Otherwise I've applied to a few jobs in London, will likely apply to more. Trying to decide if I'll go home to Cali or move into London. Its a decision for another day. At any rate I've begun to make many lovely new friends and if I so choose to come back to London I know I can do it all again.

right, I’m sure I’m leaving some things out but my brains a bit jumbled and its time to go catch that film at the cinema :D
love you all

Sunday, 11 July 2010

Thank goodness for July

Ok, so while last post wasn't an exaggeration it was a lot of emotion and in a blog where the people reading this are far away and trying to get a sense of what I am doing here it probably came out sounding more awful than it actually is. No my job isn't terrible, I'm just bored of it and I'd like to try something new. I think when I posted last time I was dumping all my emotions of June on to the page and believe me there was a lot of tangled up messy emotions left over from that mentally exhausting month. As you know though I regret nothing in my life and I value all the difficult lessons I learnt and the energy I forced myself to exert in order to make new friends.

Now it is July and I am putting energy into many positive outlets. I am planning on courses to take for school in January. I am already formulating plans for my STA World Internship application which I won't actually apply for till I am finishing up school, so that gives me about 4 years to figure out why I am the perfect candidate, come up with a brilliant film for the app oh yea and learn how to shoot and edit video along with really polishing up my writing and grammar! All of that is fairly long term. Short term I've done preliminary applications for two catering companies but have not heard back quite yet. If neither of those work or if there isn't enough money in it to support myself I'll go ahead and start looking at Gumtree.com in August for some kind of retail job. I am excited at the possibility of living in London and having a different experience to the one I've currently been in. We shall see how that all pans out.

In other news my sister comes to visit in approximately two weeks!!!!! Can't wait to pick her up at Heathrow airport on the 23rd. She only stays a night but will be back on the 3rd for another night. So I'm really glad to see her. Amy is going off for 10-days by herself to Chile to visit her friend that moved there last December. Her flight leaves from Paris though so TJ has decided to take the kids and do a road trip in France. Hm they said Mandy went with them on vacations but it seems to be more convenient to leave me at home to take care of the dogs. Ho hum, I'll just keep going up to London and enjoying the quite. As much as I love kids I'm so very very very VERY glad I don't have any right now. More and more I'm loving being the age I am. I think your twenties are remarkable and in so many ways its like being a baby. Having all these incredible experiences for the very first time and seeing and feeling things you've haven't before. Its wonderful. The bonus though is you can articulate to yourself what these experiences are and what they mean to you. One of my firsts this month will be seeing Swan Lake, yay. I’m finally excited to go see a ballet, my first professional one. Well first professional classic ballet. I suppose Ballet Forclorico De Bahia is a ballet but that is capoeira so not quite the same. :D

In August I am excited to go to my Great Aunty Mon's 85th birthday, my cousin Frances' wedding AND my friend Guilia and Tenchi's wedding, all in a week of each other! I even have a hat to wear, how very English of me. :).

O yesterday was the village fete (think like 4th of July fair on a very small scale). I helped out a little but mostly got to wonder round looking at the stalls. There was a rowing competition which I competed in. Well sort of a rowing comp, it was on a rowing machine and there was a prize for the fastest female and male doing 500 meters. The first time I tried I did it in 2:15 then I came back toward the end of the fair and tried again. Despite my dress getting caught and loosing me a few seconds I got 2:05, beat my old score by 10secs!! And was bloody tired after that, I can tell you. Sore abs today! Worth it though as I won :D. I got a boat ride with the Clipper Themes for 2adults and up to 3kids. So I thought that a good prize. It also looks like I may have won this City Socialising competition and the prize for that is a spiffy new pair of ray band sunglasses, oooooo. After the fete we went to a festival with a bunch of cover bands. The last cover to go was a cover of U2. I got to shake Bono wannabes hand and I danced up on the big huge speaker that was adjacent to the stage :D. Lots of fun. Not much today, felt sluggish and tired. I woke up in my bedroom at 7am and I was stifling hot. It was very uncomfortable :(. Other than that lazed around today. Looking forward to next weekend, its filled with karaoke, meeting new people, seeing old friends and generally just enjoying life. Woohoo.

Last thing my friend Daryl who took photos of me in the cemetery last December is now compiling a photo book for a competition. Fingers crossed he wins! As excited as I am for him I get to feel all hoity toity because I will be in the book. I have two whole pages, hehe just like the other models but shhhh I'm in a book as a model how awesome is that?! I love life I really feel like I'm going to be able to say I did everything and then some.

well ta

Saturday, 3 July 2010

Square peg, round hole

I am the peg in this case and this job is the round hole. Its like if you asked an actor to be a construction worker. Most likely even if they tried their hardest they would make more mistakes than the other workers because they lack the skills to do the job. For me I like to have to travel to get to my job. I like the separation of work and home. I like the structure of regular hours and having set tasks. I do like variation and don't mind working longer than "normal" hours. With this job though its an odd mix of being part of a family and still being the employee. That just confuses my brain. I'm great with people at work but the relationships I establish with those people are a bit more about them and what I can do for them. I'll tell that other person enough about myself to establish a connection and then I'm more focused on who they are and what they need. This job almost requires you to establish a very personal relationship with those you are working for to make a true connection. But something I've seen about myself is that I struggle with personal relationships. I'm not even sure how to explain that because I don't fully understand it yet myself, I just know that with my friends sometimes I have difficulties but I never have problems with people from work. Now though, I live where I work so I spend all my free time getting out of here which means I've not actually spent much time with the whole family. There is slight disconnect. I like them all, they are lovely people but I've lived here about 5months now and I don't feel all buddy buddy with them. I don't feel like when I leave I'm going to make much of an effort to stay in contact with them. Understanding this though helps me feel less badly about myself. I have made several mistakes while being here. Nothing major but enough to make me feel badly about myself. Just yesterday TJ asked me to ring Jonnie's school to tell them he wasn't going in and to make up any excuse. I said ok but really didn't want to because I felt awkward about telling some women a lie about why Jonnie wasn't in school when its obvious that he didn't go because it was the last day. Then when TJ asked me later if I'd rung I froze and just said yea and no one picked up. So she rang and got an absentee line and told me not to lie to her. So then I felt awful for lying especially because its not in my nature to lie at all. Its things like that that keep happening. I'm just not being myself in this job which is hard because I like me when I'm well ME and I'm not being me here with this family which can be rather self deprecating. Now I could make the struggle to change myself to be someone that could do this job very well. I have the ability to, it isn't a difficult job but I don't feel like making that push. I've already challenged myself to change in so many other ways and I think this journey has always been a lot more about self discovery then it has been about doing a job well. I've worked half my life now and have always excelled at my jobs weather they were in my field or not and you know what, now is the time that I let myself be less than amazing at something and feel that it is ok. I've made more stupid mistakes than I can count in this simple job but I'm going to stop feeling so crappy about that. I'll stick through till December but hopefully will move family's in September to be in the city and I'll just enjoy life. I'm seeing it more as having a place to live and some pocket money to go out and have fun and enjoy a city I love very much. I'm not going to take this nanny period in my life very seriously because like I said its not really about the nannying its about me learning more about my self and life. The job I do is good enough, not spectacular and not poor and for a temporary thing that is just fine.

In other news I'm missing my friends. Its been hard growing so much mentally but not having the support of people you are close to. Sure I get on facebook and IM away but I'm tired of imming its not personal and doesn't make me feel like ive made a connection with them. I've exchanged words and garnered news on their life but there is no emotion or feeling really. I love the friends I'm making here but making a deep personal connection takes lots of time and when I leave I hope I've made at least several new friends. Perhaps not best friends but made enough of a connection with them to miss them when I go and to want to see them when I come back and to stay in contact with them when I'm gone. That is what I hope to do. But its all about setting the ground work and having some of those relationships not work out and fizzle away while others continue to grow. But its lonely with out a best friend or family that you know well. I adore my cousins out here but I've seen them what, all of maybe 3 or 4 times? Some of them more than that but I don't truly know my family out here. Which is part of why I am here in the first place. In the end like I've said I just feel like I'm all by myself and as much as I don't want to leave London it'll be a relief to be in California with people I've known for years. It'll also be nice to be back in a house with people that like food. Can not wait to eat something my mummy has cooked! She could make something as simple as tomato soup and I'd be in heaven because she takes the time to create the right balance of flavours and you just can't appreciate something as delicate as that enough. I love food and I hate the crap I eat here because TJ shops for four kids and every week there are two or so days with no food in the house because she loathes the shopping. There also ends up being too much red meat and fatty sausages. Sigh I'm going to eat so much good food when I come back! I'm going to need to find a job at whatever cc I'm at to foot my food bills. Haha.

Not sure what I'm dong today, finished off the yogurt I bought and hungry and not been paid yet and no one is home. Lame, haha. Basically want to go back to London but yesterday I had a hassle coming home due to my own fault which makes me feel less adventurous today. Hm, we'll see. I'm really feeling like dinner out with a friend but not sure who to ring up.

Right its 2pm and Ive done fuck all so far so I best get a move on or the day will be gone and I'll still be on this silly couch. Love you all.