Sunday, 25 July 2010

Gotta stop running sometime

Ello, ello its been a little while. I'll start with the most recent event. Earlier today when I got home from being in London Paul asked "Are you going to clean the boys bathrooms?" Which I responded by saying "O, well I have". He then went on to tell me it didn't look like the bathrooms had even been touched and everything was still dirty. This made me rather irritated but I went and cleaned the bathrooms again. Then he came down a little while later and asked again if I was going to clean the bathrooms. To which I said " I have, twice now" he then went on to ask me if I just didn't like house work or if I wasn't good at it etc. I told him I didn't appreciate how he was speaking to me and I didn't think he was being constructive. In the end we were just in a yelling match in which I ended by saying "Don't worry, my contract is up Aug 10th and I'll be gone then" and he said " Well can you you leave next weekend?", "yes", "can you leave tonight?" "fine".

Wow that was intense. I then proceeded to call my lovely cousin Gabrielle and have a panic attack. Fortunately she stayed on the phone with me and got me to breathe regularly and calm down. She reminded me I was an adult and I needed to go and speak to Paul in a calm manner. She also told me it was best to not leave in a hurry tonight.

She was right. I've spent the last year or so running from who knows what, convincing myself it wasn't a problem I needed to face right now. Hm, anxiety is tricky that way, convincing you of things that are completely untrue! Running only led me to feel like a failure. Twice last year I had jobs which ended abruptly. Though in the case of the second job I did have a very good discussion with the boss. Even so I still had a restless uneasy feeling. I couldn't get over the fact that I kept dropping things suddenly; school,work,projects. I would leave it all to the wayside when I got anxious. I'm still unsure as to why this has happened more so in the last year, but there you go it has. Today I stopped that chain. I got myself to calm down and I went down stairs and told Paul "I was trying to do what you asked and when we were speaking earlier I wasn't trying to be defensive I was trying to solve the issue. I'm upset at how this turned out and I would prefer to speak with you and TJ tomorrow and just calm down this evening". Paul apologized for yelling and loosing his temper and said we'd work things out tomorrow and to not feel awkward tonight. So its resolved, we'll have a mature conversation tomorrow to work out the details. Currently I feel too exhausted to feel much of anything other than exhaustion but I know this has been a huge turning point for me and I'm very grateful for the experience.

I have eaten a tasty if not very healthy dinner and will be heading off to see Toy Story Three where I can bawl my eyes out and thus relieve some of this tension. Perhaps I'll stand on my head when I come home, hm.

In other news I have now seen two ballets!! I saw Giselle last weekend and Swan Lake just last Friday. I was more awed by Giselle and pulled into that story than with Swan Lake. While Swan Lake was beautiful I did not feel the same high that I got from watching Giselle which absolutely blew me away. Well next week Spartcus by the Bolshoi which I'm excited to see. Up till now I've been watching the Mikhailovsky troupe perform.

Otherwise I've applied to a few jobs in London, will likely apply to more. Trying to decide if I'll go home to Cali or move into London. Its a decision for another day. At any rate I've begun to make many lovely new friends and if I so choose to come back to London I know I can do it all again.

right, I’m sure I’m leaving some things out but my brains a bit jumbled and its time to go catch that film at the cinema :D
love you all

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