Tuesday, 17 August 2010



Firstly that movie was bloody brilliant. Just loved it the whole way through. But if you're thinking I'm on here to write a movie review you are mistaken.

Firstly lets go back to any time when I was at a theme park prior to yesterday. I'd go to the theme park with my friends and would enjoy my time by riding any ride but the large roller coasters. You see I have a fear of falling rapidly to the ground. Just looking at a roller coaster would set in a panic. My chest would tighten, I'd shake my head and refuse to get on. Yesterday I looked at the roller coasters and didn't feel anxiety, I felt intrigued, even a bit tempted. To be honest I stood in line with the others yesterday for two roller coasters and almost got on. But it wasn't the anxiety that stopped me because I didn't feel that anxious, it was the memory of the anxiety I didn't want to betray. a bit later in the day I did go on one roller coaster. It wasn't one of your standard sized ones it was somewhere between the kiddie coasters and the full grown ones. Never the less it did have a steep slope that was about first floor height (2nd floor by American standards) but that didn't worry me, it made me excited. So I rode the coaster got the appropriate anxiety and screamed it out. Afterwards I was energized and felt like I'd not really pushed it far enough, I wanted to try a bigger one. But before we got the chance the crash came. Because once your brain starts firing off like crazy due to the anxiety inevitably there is a crash in energy, how big I think depends on quite a few things. For me I was still dealing with the low of saying goodbye to a part of my life; a person I wasn't really ready to part from. So for me the crash came large and I wasn't in control so I not only lost that excess energy I sunk deeper.

Now to bring you back. After the movie tonight I was in the loo and I flash to that moment on the coaster, right before the fall and I recognized the anxiety I felt then was the anxiety I had felt for the last ten minutes of the movie. Then I recognized the high of energy I was feeling in that loo was because that anxiety in the movie and that is when it all changed. Anxiety had shifted from being a thing of fear, a thing to obey and be over come by to a thing to relish and seek out. I wanted to get on a big roller coaster and feel that anxiety just to get the energy high afterwards. Does this mean now that when I'm in a job situation and I start feeling anxious that instead of closing down I'll thrive knowing my brain is firing off chemicals and I'm being given a super energy of sorts. A super energy that could be utilized to power through the difficult situation and come out victorious. So what happens when all your life anxiety has been negative and then you turn it into a positive? I don't know but I'm going to find out. I know I'm going back a few inches taller than I came. I know I understand quite a few things but that those things are disorganized and missing pieces. By getting the degree I'll fill in those gaps and organize those pieces.

Yesterday I closed a 6 month chapter in my life. I didn't want to close that chapter yet for many reasons. One is that I know when I go home I'm going back very differently than when I came and its going to change all the future decisions I make. That sort of massive change is a lot to contend with. Secondly it makes the reality of the end of my relationship with Ross much clear and more real. That last night out with Ross he held me in his apartment as a friend while I cried and cried. That kiss goodbye at the station was a kiss on the lips as a friend and it was a kiss goodbye to the past. At least that was what it felt like to me. As I took that last look at him it was goodbye to the person I came here as, goodbye to what I came for and hello to change and this big new world that had opened in front of me. that much emotion would make anyone at least sniffle a little it just happened to make me cry buckets as I'm a bit, extra special shall we say ;). I'm so proud to be the person I am now and I'm not even 23 yet. It means I'm in a very good place to grow and change from.

To think this whole adventure came about because the world I knew collided with Ross'; one day in a mall in San Francisco............

Sunday, 15 August 2010

Proudly British-American

or American-British I don't mean to suggest anything by the way I order it I simply like the sound better when its British-American. Anyhow I've been here a bit more than six months and while I've regarded England as home I now truly feel British and American of course ;).

Yesterday Ross, Helena, Robbie and I all went out for drinks at Detroit in Covent Garden. It was so nice to see them all and chat. Robbie and Helena headed off around 10 or so, or maybe later I honestly was not looking at a clock. Ross and I stuck around a bit longer and finished off some nice red wine then I suggested we go dancing. I had lots of fun in the club with him just being a goof and enjoying my last night with my best friend. On the way to the bus we started to pass by some blokes and I just randomly stopped and looked at one of the guys and said something like "O, my god! I'm so glad I ran into you" and he said something like "I'm really glad I ran into you as well" and we just had a rather exaggerated lil banter which amused me to no end. We shook hands, introduced ourselves then went on our separate ways. Ross and I caught the night bus back to his where I proceeded to talk his ear off for several hours till at 4am Ross finally was crashing and needed to sleep. I let him go and stayed up. I ended up not going to sleep, I was just thinking about too much. I'd already spent a good portion of our chat in the wee hours crying leaving quite a wet patch on Ross' shirt. Poor lad :p.

I was really sorry to say goodbye to the flat as it is not unlikely Ross will move out of it before I come back to London again. That flat was more my home then the place I lived in full time. I had kept musli in the cupboards, wondered about in Ross' robe and memorized the way to both of the near by tube stations. I cried some more than Ross and I headed off for a bit of breakky. I enjoyed some scrambled eggs and sausage and more talking with Ross. He walked me to the tube station and hugged me for a very long time before setting me off onto the tube. I walked through the barriers and turned for a final wave and started crying all over again.

I initially thought about this day when I'd have to say goodbye to Ross for awhile and was sure I'd cry. But I thought I was going to cry because I was still so much in love with him and I didn't want to leave him and go 8,000 mi away. Then mid July we got together for drinks and we just didn't seem to have a flow of conversation so afterwards I thought perhaps I wouldn't be too upset after all. As it turns out I was going through the normal motions putting Ross into a new category, the friend category. And it worked. Being able to see him so much in August, first with my sis then going to Google London for a free lunch with him and then my leaving do really helped cement a good friend ship. So in the end I didn't cry for the reasons I thought I would. I cried because Ross has been a massive part of my life these last 6months and he has led me on a path which has caused great change for me. I really feel like I'm going back an adult. A strong confident adult. And when Ross gave me a peck goodbye at Fullham Broadway it felt like the close to a chapter in my life. I'm surprised it has all happened so quickly. I still remember our first date, meeting his parents and so much more. I'm excited for all the new things that are going to happen and where they will lead. I expect to travel much more and hopefully back to London not so long from now for a longer more permanent stay. Ross said to me " I'm glad you're a daft cow that decided to fly half round the world for me" or something to that effect and I am too. He was worth every single mile and then some. I'm gutted to leave but I know being in California to get my degree is the best choice.

Now I'm up north in Chorley with my lovely cousin Franny, her beautiful son Seth, her mum and dad (my aunt and uncle) and her boyfriend. It is a full house so I'll probably move on to somewhere just not sure where yet. My great Aunts big do is this Friday which ought to be loads of fun. Next Wednesday is my friends wedding and then I fly to California on the 26th.

Not much else to say. Cali friends and family am looking forward to seeing you loads. To London and my wonderful London friends thank you for an incredible journey that will stay with me for my life time.

Excuse me I need to cry some more now. I'm glad to be so gutted to go. It means I've spent 6mo truly living and loving mostly everything. I'd rather cry enough tears to fill a barrel then to feel apathetic.

Sunday, 8 August 2010


Ug, I've come down with a cold of sorts and this does not make me happy. I'm attacking it vehemently with steam, cough syrup, gargling salt water, hot honey water, and rest. Go away, go away, go away!!! But that isn't very interesting.

Tuesday out with my sis was grand. We did quite a lot of walking and then quite a bit of resting. She was very tired and I was too so we took advantage of a restaurant and had a long lunch :D. We also walked through St. James park, Trafalgar Sq. and Covent Garden. We nosed in some shops along Carnby st and then met up with Ross at a pub called Victoria where we had some drinks before wondering to Chimes for dinner. I headed back to Windsor for the evening while my sister made use of Ross' couch which he so kindly offered (hehe, after I asked him). Then Wednesday it took me blinkin ages to get to Ross'. First one bus then transfer to another and then the tube and another bus. Got there in the end and then did the journey backwards. Got the case off at the airport, it was thankfully no more than 23kg, and away she went.

Thursday Louise and I went out to the local club and had quite a bit of fun dancing. She was naughty and snogged someone who was only 19! teehee. I refrained from snogging any random bloke, none of them took my fancy *sticks nose in air*. hehe.

Friday I packed up and headed to my Uncle Bernards.

Saturday I spent most of the day watching Ross play footie for charity. It was a 12hr event consisting of 29 games. I actually really liked the idea of it and would love to join. I just have to coincide visiting England with the event and also make sure I'm in some bloody good shape! Ha, I did take a break to have a milkshake with a new friend in Oxford Circus. Not much to report there. Nice gentleman starting up his photography business here in London. He grew up in Paris and hopes to establish himself internationally.

Today I saw my cousin Julia and her husband Chris for lunch. We had a nice natter then I needed to nap around four because I was quite tired. Other than that I love being at my Uncles because there is always yummy food here. Simple and tasty so that makes me very happy.

Trying to relax this week and beat this cold. Hopefully going to Google London where Ross can brag about the amazing lunches he gets for free! I'll report back on what I think of the food ;). I also here tales of a nice terrace and bean bag chairs, so looking forward to checking it out.