Saturday, 3 July 2010

Square peg, round hole

I am the peg in this case and this job is the round hole. Its like if you asked an actor to be a construction worker. Most likely even if they tried their hardest they would make more mistakes than the other workers because they lack the skills to do the job. For me I like to have to travel to get to my job. I like the separation of work and home. I like the structure of regular hours and having set tasks. I do like variation and don't mind working longer than "normal" hours. With this job though its an odd mix of being part of a family and still being the employee. That just confuses my brain. I'm great with people at work but the relationships I establish with those people are a bit more about them and what I can do for them. I'll tell that other person enough about myself to establish a connection and then I'm more focused on who they are and what they need. This job almost requires you to establish a very personal relationship with those you are working for to make a true connection. But something I've seen about myself is that I struggle with personal relationships. I'm not even sure how to explain that because I don't fully understand it yet myself, I just know that with my friends sometimes I have difficulties but I never have problems with people from work. Now though, I live where I work so I spend all my free time getting out of here which means I've not actually spent much time with the whole family. There is slight disconnect. I like them all, they are lovely people but I've lived here about 5months now and I don't feel all buddy buddy with them. I don't feel like when I leave I'm going to make much of an effort to stay in contact with them. Understanding this though helps me feel less badly about myself. I have made several mistakes while being here. Nothing major but enough to make me feel badly about myself. Just yesterday TJ asked me to ring Jonnie's school to tell them he wasn't going in and to make up any excuse. I said ok but really didn't want to because I felt awkward about telling some women a lie about why Jonnie wasn't in school when its obvious that he didn't go because it was the last day. Then when TJ asked me later if I'd rung I froze and just said yea and no one picked up. So she rang and got an absentee line and told me not to lie to her. So then I felt awful for lying especially because its not in my nature to lie at all. Its things like that that keep happening. I'm just not being myself in this job which is hard because I like me when I'm well ME and I'm not being me here with this family which can be rather self deprecating. Now I could make the struggle to change myself to be someone that could do this job very well. I have the ability to, it isn't a difficult job but I don't feel like making that push. I've already challenged myself to change in so many other ways and I think this journey has always been a lot more about self discovery then it has been about doing a job well. I've worked half my life now and have always excelled at my jobs weather they were in my field or not and you know what, now is the time that I let myself be less than amazing at something and feel that it is ok. I've made more stupid mistakes than I can count in this simple job but I'm going to stop feeling so crappy about that. I'll stick through till December but hopefully will move family's in September to be in the city and I'll just enjoy life. I'm seeing it more as having a place to live and some pocket money to go out and have fun and enjoy a city I love very much. I'm not going to take this nanny period in my life very seriously because like I said its not really about the nannying its about me learning more about my self and life. The job I do is good enough, not spectacular and not poor and for a temporary thing that is just fine.

In other news I'm missing my friends. Its been hard growing so much mentally but not having the support of people you are close to. Sure I get on facebook and IM away but I'm tired of imming its not personal and doesn't make me feel like ive made a connection with them. I've exchanged words and garnered news on their life but there is no emotion or feeling really. I love the friends I'm making here but making a deep personal connection takes lots of time and when I leave I hope I've made at least several new friends. Perhaps not best friends but made enough of a connection with them to miss them when I go and to want to see them when I come back and to stay in contact with them when I'm gone. That is what I hope to do. But its all about setting the ground work and having some of those relationships not work out and fizzle away while others continue to grow. But its lonely with out a best friend or family that you know well. I adore my cousins out here but I've seen them what, all of maybe 3 or 4 times? Some of them more than that but I don't truly know my family out here. Which is part of why I am here in the first place. In the end like I've said I just feel like I'm all by myself and as much as I don't want to leave London it'll be a relief to be in California with people I've known for years. It'll also be nice to be back in a house with people that like food. Can not wait to eat something my mummy has cooked! She could make something as simple as tomato soup and I'd be in heaven because she takes the time to create the right balance of flavours and you just can't appreciate something as delicate as that enough. I love food and I hate the crap I eat here because TJ shops for four kids and every week there are two or so days with no food in the house because she loathes the shopping. There also ends up being too much red meat and fatty sausages. Sigh I'm going to eat so much good food when I come back! I'm going to need to find a job at whatever cc I'm at to foot my food bills. Haha.

Not sure what I'm dong today, finished off the yogurt I bought and hungry and not been paid yet and no one is home. Lame, haha. Basically want to go back to London but yesterday I had a hassle coming home due to my own fault which makes me feel less adventurous today. Hm, we'll see. I'm really feeling like dinner out with a friend but not sure who to ring up.

Right its 2pm and Ive done fuck all so far so I best get a move on or the day will be gone and I'll still be on this silly couch. Love you all.


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