Tuesday, 17 August 2010



Firstly that movie was bloody brilliant. Just loved it the whole way through. But if you're thinking I'm on here to write a movie review you are mistaken.

Firstly lets go back to any time when I was at a theme park prior to yesterday. I'd go to the theme park with my friends and would enjoy my time by riding any ride but the large roller coasters. You see I have a fear of falling rapidly to the ground. Just looking at a roller coaster would set in a panic. My chest would tighten, I'd shake my head and refuse to get on. Yesterday I looked at the roller coasters and didn't feel anxiety, I felt intrigued, even a bit tempted. To be honest I stood in line with the others yesterday for two roller coasters and almost got on. But it wasn't the anxiety that stopped me because I didn't feel that anxious, it was the memory of the anxiety I didn't want to betray. a bit later in the day I did go on one roller coaster. It wasn't one of your standard sized ones it was somewhere between the kiddie coasters and the full grown ones. Never the less it did have a steep slope that was about first floor height (2nd floor by American standards) but that didn't worry me, it made me excited. So I rode the coaster got the appropriate anxiety and screamed it out. Afterwards I was energized and felt like I'd not really pushed it far enough, I wanted to try a bigger one. But before we got the chance the crash came. Because once your brain starts firing off like crazy due to the anxiety inevitably there is a crash in energy, how big I think depends on quite a few things. For me I was still dealing with the low of saying goodbye to a part of my life; a person I wasn't really ready to part from. So for me the crash came large and I wasn't in control so I not only lost that excess energy I sunk deeper.

Now to bring you back. After the movie tonight I was in the loo and I flash to that moment on the coaster, right before the fall and I recognized the anxiety I felt then was the anxiety I had felt for the last ten minutes of the movie. Then I recognized the high of energy I was feeling in that loo was because that anxiety in the movie and that is when it all changed. Anxiety had shifted from being a thing of fear, a thing to obey and be over come by to a thing to relish and seek out. I wanted to get on a big roller coaster and feel that anxiety just to get the energy high afterwards. Does this mean now that when I'm in a job situation and I start feeling anxious that instead of closing down I'll thrive knowing my brain is firing off chemicals and I'm being given a super energy of sorts. A super energy that could be utilized to power through the difficult situation and come out victorious. So what happens when all your life anxiety has been negative and then you turn it into a positive? I don't know but I'm going to find out. I know I'm going back a few inches taller than I came. I know I understand quite a few things but that those things are disorganized and missing pieces. By getting the degree I'll fill in those gaps and organize those pieces.

Yesterday I closed a 6 month chapter in my life. I didn't want to close that chapter yet for many reasons. One is that I know when I go home I'm going back very differently than when I came and its going to change all the future decisions I make. That sort of massive change is a lot to contend with. Secondly it makes the reality of the end of my relationship with Ross much clear and more real. That last night out with Ross he held me in his apartment as a friend while I cried and cried. That kiss goodbye at the station was a kiss on the lips as a friend and it was a kiss goodbye to the past. At least that was what it felt like to me. As I took that last look at him it was goodbye to the person I came here as, goodbye to what I came for and hello to change and this big new world that had opened in front of me. that much emotion would make anyone at least sniffle a little it just happened to make me cry buckets as I'm a bit, extra special shall we say ;). I'm so proud to be the person I am now and I'm not even 23 yet. It means I'm in a very good place to grow and change from.

To think this whole adventure came about because the world I knew collided with Ross'; one day in a mall in San Francisco............

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