Ironing away and letting my mind wander and I slowly came to a realization that I think I've been formulating for awhile in bits and pieces. Now it’s like those pieces came together and suddenly I saw the picture.
One thing I told my therapist before Ross and I broke up was that I didn't need him but I wanted him. I did believe that but it wasn't entirely true. What I find now is that I did need him in my life as a boyfriend for that period as much as I needed him to break up with me when he did.
I find myself more grown up and settled. For so long I had a frenetic anxious energy that I carried about with me and that energy caused me to make impulsive decisions, have extreme ideas, and prevented me from being able to see what I really wanted to do. I came to a point after middle school where things got harder, I didn't know how to cope and I began slipping. What I began telling myself though I wasn't aware of it was that I couldn't do it. I couldn't do school, I couldn't save money, I couldn't do it and eventually I believed it. So if a task made me anxious I pushed it away. I managed to get a high school diploma without ever writing a paper longer than 2 pages or doing any substantial research for projects. After school I continued to decide things in extremes, either I wanted to do something now or I never wanted to do it. I "had" to do ____ because I thought that was what I was suppose to do. I pushed myself to try community college and then gave it up and was bent on trying to get a job that wouldn't require a degree because I was NOT going back to school. My life was just so clouded by this anxiety and I didn't see it even with all the wonderful therapy.
Then I came here and though for four months Ross was teaching me so much I wasn't very aware of it. I was partly using him to help me avoid having to make any real life decisions on my own. If I stayed with him I could move from this house as a nanny to London with him and get some kind of job. I wouldn't have to do things on my own and yet while I was with him I was starting to branch out and become a bit more independent but it wasn't till he let me go that I saw I was standing on my own two feet on solid ground. Not only that but that frenetic energy that told me I had to do something now or never was gone. The need to make instant decisions had disappeared and now I'm this brand new me; a me that had wanted to come out for a long time.
I am interested in going back to school. There are so many things I want to learn and do with my life. Something Ross said to me at one point was "I've always known what I've wanted to do and I find it hard to empathize with someone who isn't sure yet of what they want to do" I retorted " I know what I want to do, I want to help people". I'd never really said it out loud before I'd kind of hemmed and hawed between ideas but bam I said it and now I'm trying to figure out how to do that. My current thoughts are to get a degree in psychology and then get a job doing some type of therapy with youths. I liked the sound of Forensic Psychologist where you help rehabilitate offenders and do other various similar tasks. I'm not sold on any one idea but I do have a direction and now I'm just trying to figure out exactly how to execute it all. I don't feel ready to go back to California I really want to move into London to explore, learn and grow there, but that may not be the best plan for me. If any of you out there reading this have worked and gone to school simultaneously I'd love to hear about your experience. What your struggles were what method's you used to cope with the busy schedule etc. Any advice is more than welcome.
People tend to emulate qualities they admire in other people so I suppose by trying to emulate Ross' confidence I found my own and with that confidence I learned all that I just told you. I'm so excited now to experience the world as me and to continue to grow up and learn. I think the nannying thing has become less interesting to me than in the beginning because I want to challenge myself and I'm ready to take on those challenges. It has provided for an excellent place to grow away from my parents and California. It is also a good haven as I try to formulate a next step so I'm not knocking the job completely it has a lot of benefits that have been and still are important for me. Its just time for something new.
In other random news I told Amy yesterday I was going to paint my finger nails white with red crosses on them in lieu of the world cup and she then asked if I would do it for her so tonight its going to be a girly painting nails thing :). Tommorow I head off to Harlow for a relaxing weekend...well mostly relaxing there maybe some shouting at the telle screen, ;) I expect not to much though as we shall win. Teehee. Have a lovely week everyone and enjoy whatever it is you are doing!
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