bittersweet

Sitting in the kitchen where the internet works. My throat is beginning to feel sore again and I feel exausted after a stressful week end. I have a mixture of feelings currently. Ross and I broke up on Saturday and since then I have had a lot of interesting thoughts. Occasionally I have a renewed energy with an interest in beginning to try the long list of things I have been longing to try. I feel strength seeing myself stand on my own two feet (metorphorically) while being far from the place I grew up and far from people I share close connections with. I am proud to have come to this place I stand. A place where I recognize attributes that make me wonderful and faults that I don't need to fix but accept and be aware of.

I feel as though I have a better understanding of who I am and now have the confidence to protray that to the world. I am thankful for everything I have learned in my 4months here. Truly they are some of the most important lessons I have learnt to date and I have no doubt there is still so much for me to learn.

This week I am not attempting to throw myself fully into the renewed energy I feel. Instead I let it wax and wane taking every feeling in stride. I've learned the importance of balancing myself and not throwing myself competly into any one direction. This is why I know despite how I feel this hour or in the morning I have to continue to take care of myself. Exercising will resume and I am pleased I have already lost 3lbs in a week. Yoga continues to be my saving grace. There have been times when energy has been low and I have mentally begun to crash and then I take a yoga class and feel revived and ready to tackle the next thing.

As break up goes it is bittersweet. He is a most exceptional man and I wanted to try my hardest to not let it end but truthfully he did the right thing for both of us and we will be better off not trying to continue a relationship that I believe would have drained more of our energies than buoyed them. It is always hard to adjust to change but I am resiliant and shall persue new things using my extra energy.

My various goals are to discover possible job interests, meet more new people, try new things, and keep myself fit and happy.

The job is still fine. Though the family are all lovely I don't think I'm very good at this sort of job. I know I am wonderful with children but I don't really hang out with the kids too much. I Iron and clean and drive. So I drive fine, no problems there but I'm rubbish at cleaning. I can strighten things up but I don't really understand what it means to properly clean something. I was asked today to clean the girls and Tom's bathroom and bedroom. Well I neatened up and cleaned the girls bathroom but hadnt gotten to Tom's before therapy so I thought I'll just do it when I return. Well when I got back TJ said she was dissapointed b/c she thought I was going to clean the girls bathroom and Toms...I didn't really have the heart to say, "well I did clean the girls bathroom" clearly she didn't think I had. Sighhh. I just feel like I've been repremanded more than I ought to have at this point. But I don't feel to dissapointed in myself because I am not in my area of expertise really. I suppose I should try and do everything splendidly weather I like it or not because I'm sure there is an argument that that is the grown up thing to do but honestly I think right now I'm more important than my job. Not to say I won't continue to try and do the things she asks and doesnt ask etc. I think generally my work ethic is good even when I don't care much about the job I'm just a bit more interested in using the much down time I have to help me grow and mature and learn things. I think it is a bit of a pity this job is not more challenging or interesting. It was not what I thought I was getting myself into but then there ya go. Perhaps summer will be better with the kids off. I will probably spend more time with them. All in all I don't think I'm leaving much of an impact on any of their lives. I feel like after it all TJ would say "o, once we had this Au pair called Bronwen...she was nice". Which is just fine with me.

Well I am sick and I had a full body massage today which was wonderful and well deserved but has also made me very sleepy. I honestly should have been in bed early at 1/2 9 as it is it is 1/2 10 instead and I ought to catch up on my sleep. Looks like I get to spend tomorrow waiting about for tilers or plumbers w/e becuse inevitably something is always broken in this damn house.