I write to you all from Windsor UK. Windsor is home to the oldest inhabited castle in the world, just so you know ;).
So you want to know what happened last week. I spoke with Paul and TJ and in the end we decided I'd end my job Friday the 30th (yesterday) and they would buy me a plane ticket back to California for August the 26th. They would have happily given me the money for the ticket to use to live in London but I was already planning on coming back in December and it seemed a lot of effort to try and find a job to support myself for three months so Cali bound I am. In addition they give their nannies two weeks paid holiday but TJ said she would do 3 which is great because now I'm able to support myself as I bounce from friend and relative till I leave.
I arrived in windsor yesterday utterly shattered at 5 in the evening but managed to stay awake till 10. Took a wander through town then Louise's friend Mark came by and we played scrabble. All very good fun. Today Louise (yes she is the friend I'm staying with for a week) and I walked through Windsor and went into the various shops. Again I was quite tired around 2 but had some lunch and watched the movie Enchanted so now I feel much revived. My theory for why I've been soo tired is the massive emotional change I've made recently. While working there I believe I was constantly anxious. I became ocd about cleaning the kitchen and keeping the lounges tidying, worrying that when Paul would come home he'd be dissatisfied. Now don't be mislead they are a lovely family but living with them is very different entirely. Now that I'm not there I think my whole body has just breathed this sigh and has become very tired from buzzing like that all the time. Its like having jet lag, which is bizarre but there you go. Sure I'll adjust to relaxing and being on vacation pretty soon :).
Tonight is Taming of the Shrew at The Windsor Globe. Monday I may be getting into Windsor Castle for free to have a look around and Tuesday I get to see my sis again and wonder bout London. Wednesday I'll be sending her back to the states with my massive case (woohoo) and then not much more plans other than moving from place to place.
Well dinner now. Life is good and I am happy. So excited for what is to come and looking forward to all the challenges I have yet to face.
MUWAH
Saturday, 31 July 2010
Sunday, 25 July 2010
Gotta stop running sometime
Ello, ello its been a little while. I'll start with the most recent event. Earlier today when I got home from being in London Paul asked "Are you going to clean the boys bathrooms?" Which I responded by saying "O, well I have". He then went on to tell me it didn't look like the bathrooms had even been touched and everything was still dirty. This made me rather irritated but I went and cleaned the bathrooms again. Then he came down a little while later and asked again if I was going to clean the bathrooms. To which I said " I have, twice now" he then went on to ask me if I just didn't like house work or if I wasn't good at it etc. I told him I didn't appreciate how he was speaking to me and I didn't think he was being constructive. In the end we were just in a yelling match in which I ended by saying "Don't worry, my contract is up Aug 10th and I'll be gone then" and he said " Well can you you leave next weekend?", "yes", "can you leave tonight?" "fine".
Wow that was intense. I then proceeded to call my lovely cousin Gabrielle and have a panic attack. Fortunately she stayed on the phone with me and got me to breathe regularly and calm down. She reminded me I was an adult and I needed to go and speak to Paul in a calm manner. She also told me it was best to not leave in a hurry tonight.
She was right. I've spent the last year or so running from who knows what, convincing myself it wasn't a problem I needed to face right now. Hm, anxiety is tricky that way, convincing you of things that are completely untrue! Running only led me to feel like a failure. Twice last year I had jobs which ended abruptly. Though in the case of the second job I did have a very good discussion with the boss. Even so I still had a restless uneasy feeling. I couldn't get over the fact that I kept dropping things suddenly; school,work,projects. I would leave it all to the wayside when I got anxious. I'm still unsure as to why this has happened more so in the last year, but there you go it has. Today I stopped that chain. I got myself to calm down and I went down stairs and told Paul "I was trying to do what you asked and when we were speaking earlier I wasn't trying to be defensive I was trying to solve the issue. I'm upset at how this turned out and I would prefer to speak with you and TJ tomorrow and just calm down this evening". Paul apologized for yelling and loosing his temper and said we'd work things out tomorrow and to not feel awkward tonight. So its resolved, we'll have a mature conversation tomorrow to work out the details. Currently I feel too exhausted to feel much of anything other than exhaustion but I know this has been a huge turning point for me and I'm very grateful for the experience.
I have eaten a tasty if not very healthy dinner and will be heading off to see Toy Story Three where I can bawl my eyes out and thus relieve some of this tension. Perhaps I'll stand on my head when I come home, hm.
In other news I have now seen two ballets!! I saw Giselle last weekend and Swan Lake just last Friday. I was more awed by Giselle and pulled into that story than with Swan Lake. While Swan Lake was beautiful I did not feel the same high that I got from watching Giselle which absolutely blew me away. Well next week Spartcus by the Bolshoi which I'm excited to see. Up till now I've been watching the Mikhailovsky troupe perform.
Otherwise I've applied to a few jobs in London, will likely apply to more. Trying to decide if I'll go home to Cali or move into London. Its a decision for another day. At any rate I've begun to make many lovely new friends and if I so choose to come back to London I know I can do it all again.
right, I’m sure I’m leaving some things out but my brains a bit jumbled and its time to go catch that film at the cinema :D
love you all
Bron
x
Wow that was intense. I then proceeded to call my lovely cousin Gabrielle and have a panic attack. Fortunately she stayed on the phone with me and got me to breathe regularly and calm down. She reminded me I was an adult and I needed to go and speak to Paul in a calm manner. She also told me it was best to not leave in a hurry tonight.
She was right. I've spent the last year or so running from who knows what, convincing myself it wasn't a problem I needed to face right now. Hm, anxiety is tricky that way, convincing you of things that are completely untrue! Running only led me to feel like a failure. Twice last year I had jobs which ended abruptly. Though in the case of the second job I did have a very good discussion with the boss. Even so I still had a restless uneasy feeling. I couldn't get over the fact that I kept dropping things suddenly; school,work,projects. I would leave it all to the wayside when I got anxious. I'm still unsure as to why this has happened more so in the last year, but there you go it has. Today I stopped that chain. I got myself to calm down and I went down stairs and told Paul "I was trying to do what you asked and when we were speaking earlier I wasn't trying to be defensive I was trying to solve the issue. I'm upset at how this turned out and I would prefer to speak with you and TJ tomorrow and just calm down this evening". Paul apologized for yelling and loosing his temper and said we'd work things out tomorrow and to not feel awkward tonight. So its resolved, we'll have a mature conversation tomorrow to work out the details. Currently I feel too exhausted to feel much of anything other than exhaustion but I know this has been a huge turning point for me and I'm very grateful for the experience.
I have eaten a tasty if not very healthy dinner and will be heading off to see Toy Story Three where I can bawl my eyes out and thus relieve some of this tension. Perhaps I'll stand on my head when I come home, hm.
In other news I have now seen two ballets!! I saw Giselle last weekend and Swan Lake just last Friday. I was more awed by Giselle and pulled into that story than with Swan Lake. While Swan Lake was beautiful I did not feel the same high that I got from watching Giselle which absolutely blew me away. Well next week Spartcus by the Bolshoi which I'm excited to see. Up till now I've been watching the Mikhailovsky troupe perform.
Otherwise I've applied to a few jobs in London, will likely apply to more. Trying to decide if I'll go home to Cali or move into London. Its a decision for another day. At any rate I've begun to make many lovely new friends and if I so choose to come back to London I know I can do it all again.
right, I’m sure I’m leaving some things out but my brains a bit jumbled and its time to go catch that film at the cinema :D
love you all
Bron
x
Sunday, 11 July 2010
Thank goodness for July
Ok, so while last post wasn't an exaggeration it was a lot of emotion and in a blog where the people reading this are far away and trying to get a sense of what I am doing here it probably came out sounding more awful than it actually is. No my job isn't terrible, I'm just bored of it and I'd like to try something new. I think when I posted last time I was dumping all my emotions of June on to the page and believe me there was a lot of tangled up messy emotions left over from that mentally exhausting month. As you know though I regret nothing in my life and I value all the difficult lessons I learnt and the energy I forced myself to exert in order to make new friends.
Now it is July and I am putting energy into many positive outlets. I am planning on courses to take for school in January. I am already formulating plans for my STA World Internship application which I won't actually apply for till I am finishing up school, so that gives me about 4 years to figure out why I am the perfect candidate, come up with a brilliant film for the app oh yea and learn how to shoot and edit video along with really polishing up my writing and grammar! All of that is fairly long term. Short term I've done preliminary applications for two catering companies but have not heard back quite yet. If neither of those work or if there isn't enough money in it to support myself I'll go ahead and start looking at Gumtree.com in August for some kind of retail job. I am excited at the possibility of living in London and having a different experience to the one I've currently been in. We shall see how that all pans out.
In other news my sister comes to visit in approximately two weeks!!!!! Can't wait to pick her up at Heathrow airport on the 23rd. She only stays a night but will be back on the 3rd for another night. So I'm really glad to see her. Amy is going off for 10-days by herself to Chile to visit her friend that moved there last December. Her flight leaves from Paris though so TJ has decided to take the kids and do a road trip in France. Hm they said Mandy went with them on vacations but it seems to be more convenient to leave me at home to take care of the dogs. Ho hum, I'll just keep going up to London and enjoying the quite. As much as I love kids I'm so very very very VERY glad I don't have any right now. More and more I'm loving being the age I am. I think your twenties are remarkable and in so many ways its like being a baby. Having all these incredible experiences for the very first time and seeing and feeling things you've haven't before. Its wonderful. The bonus though is you can articulate to yourself what these experiences are and what they mean to you. One of my firsts this month will be seeing Swan Lake, yay. I’m finally excited to go see a ballet, my first professional one. Well first professional classic ballet. I suppose Ballet Forclorico De Bahia is a ballet but that is capoeira so not quite the same. :D
In August I am excited to go to my Great Aunty Mon's 85th birthday, my cousin Frances' wedding AND my friend Guilia and Tenchi's wedding, all in a week of each other! I even have a hat to wear, how very English of me. :).
O yesterday was the village fete (think like 4th of July fair on a very small scale). I helped out a little but mostly got to wonder round looking at the stalls. There was a rowing competition which I competed in. Well sort of a rowing comp, it was on a rowing machine and there was a prize for the fastest female and male doing 500 meters. The first time I tried I did it in 2:15 then I came back toward the end of the fair and tried again. Despite my dress getting caught and loosing me a few seconds I got 2:05, beat my old score by 10secs!! And was bloody tired after that, I can tell you. Sore abs today! Worth it though as I won :D. I got a boat ride with the Clipper Themes for 2adults and up to 3kids. So I thought that a good prize. It also looks like I may have won this City Socialising competition and the prize for that is a spiffy new pair of ray band sunglasses, oooooo. After the fete we went to a festival with a bunch of cover bands. The last cover to go was a cover of U2. I got to shake Bono wannabes hand and I danced up on the big huge speaker that was adjacent to the stage :D. Lots of fun. Not much today, felt sluggish and tired. I woke up in my bedroom at 7am and I was stifling hot. It was very uncomfortable :(. Other than that lazed around today. Looking forward to next weekend, its filled with karaoke, meeting new people, seeing old friends and generally just enjoying life. Woohoo.
Last thing my friend Daryl who took photos of me in the cemetery last December is now compiling a photo book for a competition. Fingers crossed he wins! As excited as I am for him I get to feel all hoity toity because I will be in the book. I have two whole pages, hehe just like the other models but shhhh I'm in a book as a model how awesome is that?! I love life I really feel like I'm going to be able to say I did everything and then some.
well ta
xxB
Now it is July and I am putting energy into many positive outlets. I am planning on courses to take for school in January. I am already formulating plans for my STA World Internship application which I won't actually apply for till I am finishing up school, so that gives me about 4 years to figure out why I am the perfect candidate, come up with a brilliant film for the app oh yea and learn how to shoot and edit video along with really polishing up my writing and grammar! All of that is fairly long term. Short term I've done preliminary applications for two catering companies but have not heard back quite yet. If neither of those work or if there isn't enough money in it to support myself I'll go ahead and start looking at Gumtree.com in August for some kind of retail job. I am excited at the possibility of living in London and having a different experience to the one I've currently been in. We shall see how that all pans out.
In other news my sister comes to visit in approximately two weeks!!!!! Can't wait to pick her up at Heathrow airport on the 23rd. She only stays a night but will be back on the 3rd for another night. So I'm really glad to see her. Amy is going off for 10-days by herself to Chile to visit her friend that moved there last December. Her flight leaves from Paris though so TJ has decided to take the kids and do a road trip in France. Hm they said Mandy went with them on vacations but it seems to be more convenient to leave me at home to take care of the dogs. Ho hum, I'll just keep going up to London and enjoying the quite. As much as I love kids I'm so very very very VERY glad I don't have any right now. More and more I'm loving being the age I am. I think your twenties are remarkable and in so many ways its like being a baby. Having all these incredible experiences for the very first time and seeing and feeling things you've haven't before. Its wonderful. The bonus though is you can articulate to yourself what these experiences are and what they mean to you. One of my firsts this month will be seeing Swan Lake, yay. I’m finally excited to go see a ballet, my first professional one. Well first professional classic ballet. I suppose Ballet Forclorico De Bahia is a ballet but that is capoeira so not quite the same. :D
In August I am excited to go to my Great Aunty Mon's 85th birthday, my cousin Frances' wedding AND my friend Guilia and Tenchi's wedding, all in a week of each other! I even have a hat to wear, how very English of me. :).
O yesterday was the village fete (think like 4th of July fair on a very small scale). I helped out a little but mostly got to wonder round looking at the stalls. There was a rowing competition which I competed in. Well sort of a rowing comp, it was on a rowing machine and there was a prize for the fastest female and male doing 500 meters. The first time I tried I did it in 2:15 then I came back toward the end of the fair and tried again. Despite my dress getting caught and loosing me a few seconds I got 2:05, beat my old score by 10secs!! And was bloody tired after that, I can tell you. Sore abs today! Worth it though as I won :D. I got a boat ride with the Clipper Themes for 2adults and up to 3kids. So I thought that a good prize. It also looks like I may have won this City Socialising competition and the prize for that is a spiffy new pair of ray band sunglasses, oooooo. After the fete we went to a festival with a bunch of cover bands. The last cover to go was a cover of U2. I got to shake Bono wannabes hand and I danced up on the big huge speaker that was adjacent to the stage :D. Lots of fun. Not much today, felt sluggish and tired. I woke up in my bedroom at 7am and I was stifling hot. It was very uncomfortable :(. Other than that lazed around today. Looking forward to next weekend, its filled with karaoke, meeting new people, seeing old friends and generally just enjoying life. Woohoo.
Last thing my friend Daryl who took photos of me in the cemetery last December is now compiling a photo book for a competition. Fingers crossed he wins! As excited as I am for him I get to feel all hoity toity because I will be in the book. I have two whole pages, hehe just like the other models but shhhh I'm in a book as a model how awesome is that?! I love life I really feel like I'm going to be able to say I did everything and then some.
well ta
xxB
Saturday, 3 July 2010
Square peg, round hole
I am the peg in this case and this job is the round hole. Its like if you asked an actor to be a construction worker. Most likely even if they tried their hardest they would make more mistakes than the other workers because they lack the skills to do the job. For me I like to have to travel to get to my job. I like the separation of work and home. I like the structure of regular hours and having set tasks. I do like variation and don't mind working longer than "normal" hours. With this job though its an odd mix of being part of a family and still being the employee. That just confuses my brain. I'm great with people at work but the relationships I establish with those people are a bit more about them and what I can do for them. I'll tell that other person enough about myself to establish a connection and then I'm more focused on who they are and what they need. This job almost requires you to establish a very personal relationship with those you are working for to make a true connection. But something I've seen about myself is that I struggle with personal relationships. I'm not even sure how to explain that because I don't fully understand it yet myself, I just know that with my friends sometimes I have difficulties but I never have problems with people from work. Now though, I live where I work so I spend all my free time getting out of here which means I've not actually spent much time with the whole family. There is slight disconnect. I like them all, they are lovely people but I've lived here about 5months now and I don't feel all buddy buddy with them. I don't feel like when I leave I'm going to make much of an effort to stay in contact with them. Understanding this though helps me feel less badly about myself. I have made several mistakes while being here. Nothing major but enough to make me feel badly about myself. Just yesterday TJ asked me to ring Jonnie's school to tell them he wasn't going in and to make up any excuse. I said ok but really didn't want to because I felt awkward about telling some women a lie about why Jonnie wasn't in school when its obvious that he didn't go because it was the last day. Then when TJ asked me later if I'd rung I froze and just said yea and no one picked up. So she rang and got an absentee line and told me not to lie to her. So then I felt awful for lying especially because its not in my nature to lie at all. Its things like that that keep happening. I'm just not being myself in this job which is hard because I like me when I'm well ME and I'm not being me here with this family which can be rather self deprecating. Now I could make the struggle to change myself to be someone that could do this job very well. I have the ability to, it isn't a difficult job but I don't feel like making that push. I've already challenged myself to change in so many other ways and I think this journey has always been a lot more about self discovery then it has been about doing a job well. I've worked half my life now and have always excelled at my jobs weather they were in my field or not and you know what, now is the time that I let myself be less than amazing at something and feel that it is ok. I've made more stupid mistakes than I can count in this simple job but I'm going to stop feeling so crappy about that. I'll stick through till December but hopefully will move family's in September to be in the city and I'll just enjoy life. I'm seeing it more as having a place to live and some pocket money to go out and have fun and enjoy a city I love very much. I'm not going to take this nanny period in my life very seriously because like I said its not really about the nannying its about me learning more about my self and life. The job I do is good enough, not spectacular and not poor and for a temporary thing that is just fine.
In other news I'm missing my friends. Its been hard growing so much mentally but not having the support of people you are close to. Sure I get on facebook and IM away but I'm tired of imming its not personal and doesn't make me feel like ive made a connection with them. I've exchanged words and garnered news on their life but there is no emotion or feeling really. I love the friends I'm making here but making a deep personal connection takes lots of time and when I leave I hope I've made at least several new friends. Perhaps not best friends but made enough of a connection with them to miss them when I go and to want to see them when I come back and to stay in contact with them when I'm gone. That is what I hope to do. But its all about setting the ground work and having some of those relationships not work out and fizzle away while others continue to grow. But its lonely with out a best friend or family that you know well. I adore my cousins out here but I've seen them what, all of maybe 3 or 4 times? Some of them more than that but I don't truly know my family out here. Which is part of why I am here in the first place. In the end like I've said I just feel like I'm all by myself and as much as I don't want to leave London it'll be a relief to be in California with people I've known for years. It'll also be nice to be back in a house with people that like food. Can not wait to eat something my mummy has cooked! She could make something as simple as tomato soup and I'd be in heaven because she takes the time to create the right balance of flavours and you just can't appreciate something as delicate as that enough. I love food and I hate the crap I eat here because TJ shops for four kids and every week there are two or so days with no food in the house because she loathes the shopping. There also ends up being too much red meat and fatty sausages. Sigh I'm going to eat so much good food when I come back! I'm going to need to find a job at whatever cc I'm at to foot my food bills. Haha.
Not sure what I'm dong today, finished off the yogurt I bought and hungry and not been paid yet and no one is home. Lame, haha. Basically want to go back to London but yesterday I had a hassle coming home due to my own fault which makes me feel less adventurous today. Hm, we'll see. I'm really feeling like dinner out with a friend but not sure who to ring up.
Right its 2pm and Ive done fuck all so far so I best get a move on or the day will be gone and I'll still be on this silly couch. Love you all.
xxB
In other news I'm missing my friends. Its been hard growing so much mentally but not having the support of people you are close to. Sure I get on facebook and IM away but I'm tired of imming its not personal and doesn't make me feel like ive made a connection with them. I've exchanged words and garnered news on their life but there is no emotion or feeling really. I love the friends I'm making here but making a deep personal connection takes lots of time and when I leave I hope I've made at least several new friends. Perhaps not best friends but made enough of a connection with them to miss them when I go and to want to see them when I come back and to stay in contact with them when I'm gone. That is what I hope to do. But its all about setting the ground work and having some of those relationships not work out and fizzle away while others continue to grow. But its lonely with out a best friend or family that you know well. I adore my cousins out here but I've seen them what, all of maybe 3 or 4 times? Some of them more than that but I don't truly know my family out here. Which is part of why I am here in the first place. In the end like I've said I just feel like I'm all by myself and as much as I don't want to leave London it'll be a relief to be in California with people I've known for years. It'll also be nice to be back in a house with people that like food. Can not wait to eat something my mummy has cooked! She could make something as simple as tomato soup and I'd be in heaven because she takes the time to create the right balance of flavours and you just can't appreciate something as delicate as that enough. I love food and I hate the crap I eat here because TJ shops for four kids and every week there are two or so days with no food in the house because she loathes the shopping. There also ends up being too much red meat and fatty sausages. Sigh I'm going to eat so much good food when I come back! I'm going to need to find a job at whatever cc I'm at to foot my food bills. Haha.
Not sure what I'm dong today, finished off the yogurt I bought and hungry and not been paid yet and no one is home. Lame, haha. Basically want to go back to London but yesterday I had a hassle coming home due to my own fault which makes me feel less adventurous today. Hm, we'll see. I'm really feeling like dinner out with a friend but not sure who to ring up.
Right its 2pm and Ive done fuck all so far so I best get a move on or the day will be gone and I'll still be on this silly couch. Love you all.
xxB
Tuesday, 22 June 2010
Heart Break and big decisions
I'll start first with the heart break. On June 16th 2010 my good friend James Mangrum lost his battle to a rare form of cancer. The cancer started as a lump in his leg about 5 years ago, sadly this stopped him from entering the army post high school. I wish that had been the worst it had done. Later on it moved into his lungs and last year I visited him again in the hospital at UCSF. He was bright and funny that day. He regaled me of the tail of having a reaction to the morphine they had given him yesterday. Apparently he thrashed about and punched out at the nurses and doctors. He hadn't remembered any of this and just before I got there he said nurses kept standing at the door calling into him to see how he was feeling. He was mystified as to why they would not come in until his mum informed him of his bad behavior the day before. Tut, tut not so much morphine next time! After that he was suppose to have one last surgery to finally get rid of it all. That was the last information I had of the cancer. I thought it was gone, that the doctors at UCSF had fixed it like they were supposed to.
Going to the hospital that day was really the first time in awhile I had seen James since leaving high school. We had just lost touch as people do but when I found out he was in the hospital I had to go see him. He reached out to me and suggested we get together. So we had lunch a couple of times that year. He always insisted on paying because he was such a gentleman. He told me about his family in Alabama and said he'd take me out there sometime, he thought I'd really like it with the open country and the horses. Up to the last time I saw him he still had that wise cracking sense of humor and silly grin. I had such a great time reconnecting with him as young adults and a good friendship grew. I thought seriously about traveling with him a bit because I knew we'd have a great time. He was kind, thoughtful, opinionated, stubborn, funny, and all around wonderful.
I left for England without a care in the world not knowing I was actually saying goodbye forever to one person. I never thought he'd really die and when I saw my friends update on their facebook yesterday (Monday) morning I just shook my head, said "no,no,no" and burst into tears. I was in such shock the first half of the day I felt nothing and would cry intermittently. As the hours slipped away and the information sunk in I felt sick inside and I knew what I felt was heart break. I didn't know I'd grown so close to him but I had. I think what brought me closer to him was one time after we had started hanging out again he thanked me and told me I'd been the one person who had really been there through it all. After that I strove to provide him with company and happiness which led to a deeper connection. I was so touched he felt that I'd been there for him and I was all too glad to be there. I wish I could take back what's happened, I wish I could have my friend back but I know that if the cancer couldn't be cured its better he isn't alive still fighting an uphill battle.
My heart is there in Cali with his family and friends. A big thank you to my father who will attend his memorial this Friday in my place.
The other better news is that I have decided to return to California in December just after my birthday to enjoy Christmas with my family and start school in January. I'll go to a community college for two years then transfer to a university. I'm still pretty bent on coming back to London as soon as I'm able but I'll deal with the Community College hurdle first then start thinking about American Uni's in London or a study abroad etc. Lots of possibilities and many more with a degree. I'm looking forward to advancing my skills and challenging myself. Well that is all for now.
lots of love
Bron
Going to the hospital that day was really the first time in awhile I had seen James since leaving high school. We had just lost touch as people do but when I found out he was in the hospital I had to go see him. He reached out to me and suggested we get together. So we had lunch a couple of times that year. He always insisted on paying because he was such a gentleman. He told me about his family in Alabama and said he'd take me out there sometime, he thought I'd really like it with the open country and the horses. Up to the last time I saw him he still had that wise cracking sense of humor and silly grin. I had such a great time reconnecting with him as young adults and a good friendship grew. I thought seriously about traveling with him a bit because I knew we'd have a great time. He was kind, thoughtful, opinionated, stubborn, funny, and all around wonderful.
I left for England without a care in the world not knowing I was actually saying goodbye forever to one person. I never thought he'd really die and when I saw my friends update on their facebook yesterday (Monday) morning I just shook my head, said "no,no,no" and burst into tears. I was in such shock the first half of the day I felt nothing and would cry intermittently. As the hours slipped away and the information sunk in I felt sick inside and I knew what I felt was heart break. I didn't know I'd grown so close to him but I had. I think what brought me closer to him was one time after we had started hanging out again he thanked me and told me I'd been the one person who had really been there through it all. After that I strove to provide him with company and happiness which led to a deeper connection. I was so touched he felt that I'd been there for him and I was all too glad to be there. I wish I could take back what's happened, I wish I could have my friend back but I know that if the cancer couldn't be cured its better he isn't alive still fighting an uphill battle.
My heart is there in Cali with his family and friends. A big thank you to my father who will attend his memorial this Friday in my place.
The other better news is that I have decided to return to California in December just after my birthday to enjoy Christmas with my family and start school in January. I'll go to a community college for two years then transfer to a university. I'm still pretty bent on coming back to London as soon as I'm able but I'll deal with the Community College hurdle first then start thinking about American Uni's in London or a study abroad etc. Lots of possibilities and many more with a degree. I'm looking forward to advancing my skills and challenging myself. Well that is all for now.
lots of love
Bron
Thursday, 10 June 2010
Brand new!
Ironing away and letting my mind wander and I slowly came to a realization that I think I've been formulating for awhile in bits and pieces. Now it’s like those pieces came together and suddenly I saw the picture.
One thing I told my therapist before Ross and I broke up was that I didn't need him but I wanted him. I did believe that but it wasn't entirely true. What I find now is that I did need him in my life as a boyfriend for that period as much as I needed him to break up with me when he did.
I find myself more grown up and settled. For so long I had a frenetic anxious energy that I carried about with me and that energy caused me to make impulsive decisions, have extreme ideas, and prevented me from being able to see what I really wanted to do. I came to a point after middle school where things got harder, I didn't know how to cope and I began slipping. What I began telling myself though I wasn't aware of it was that I couldn't do it. I couldn't do school, I couldn't save money, I couldn't do it and eventually I believed it. So if a task made me anxious I pushed it away. I managed to get a high school diploma without ever writing a paper longer than 2 pages or doing any substantial research for projects. After school I continued to decide things in extremes, either I wanted to do something now or I never wanted to do it. I "had" to do ____ because I thought that was what I was suppose to do. I pushed myself to try community college and then gave it up and was bent on trying to get a job that wouldn't require a degree because I was NOT going back to school. My life was just so clouded by this anxiety and I didn't see it even with all the wonderful therapy.
Then I came here and though for four months Ross was teaching me so much I wasn't very aware of it. I was partly using him to help me avoid having to make any real life decisions on my own. If I stayed with him I could move from this house as a nanny to London with him and get some kind of job. I wouldn't have to do things on my own and yet while I was with him I was starting to branch out and become a bit more independent but it wasn't till he let me go that I saw I was standing on my own two feet on solid ground. Not only that but that frenetic energy that told me I had to do something now or never was gone. The need to make instant decisions had disappeared and now I'm this brand new me; a me that had wanted to come out for a long time.
I am interested in going back to school. There are so many things I want to learn and do with my life. Something Ross said to me at one point was "I've always known what I've wanted to do and I find it hard to empathize with someone who isn't sure yet of what they want to do" I retorted " I know what I want to do, I want to help people". I'd never really said it out loud before I'd kind of hemmed and hawed between ideas but bam I said it and now I'm trying to figure out how to do that. My current thoughts are to get a degree in psychology and then get a job doing some type of therapy with youths. I liked the sound of Forensic Psychologist where you help rehabilitate offenders and do other various similar tasks. I'm not sold on any one idea but I do have a direction and now I'm just trying to figure out exactly how to execute it all. I don't feel ready to go back to California I really want to move into London to explore, learn and grow there, but that may not be the best plan for me. If any of you out there reading this have worked and gone to school simultaneously I'd love to hear about your experience. What your struggles were what method's you used to cope with the busy schedule etc. Any advice is more than welcome.
People tend to emulate qualities they admire in other people so I suppose by trying to emulate Ross' confidence I found my own and with that confidence I learned all that I just told you. I'm so excited now to experience the world as me and to continue to grow up and learn. I think the nannying thing has become less interesting to me than in the beginning because I want to challenge myself and I'm ready to take on those challenges. It has provided for an excellent place to grow away from my parents and California. It is also a good haven as I try to formulate a next step so I'm not knocking the job completely it has a lot of benefits that have been and still are important for me. Its just time for something new.
In other random news I told Amy yesterday I was going to paint my finger nails white with red crosses on them in lieu of the world cup and she then asked if I would do it for her so tonight its going to be a girly painting nails thing :). Tommorow I head off to Harlow for a relaxing weekend...well mostly relaxing there maybe some shouting at the telle screen, ;) I expect not to much though as we shall win. Teehee. Have a lovely week everyone and enjoy whatever it is you are doing!
One thing I told my therapist before Ross and I broke up was that I didn't need him but I wanted him. I did believe that but it wasn't entirely true. What I find now is that I did need him in my life as a boyfriend for that period as much as I needed him to break up with me when he did.
I find myself more grown up and settled. For so long I had a frenetic anxious energy that I carried about with me and that energy caused me to make impulsive decisions, have extreme ideas, and prevented me from being able to see what I really wanted to do. I came to a point after middle school where things got harder, I didn't know how to cope and I began slipping. What I began telling myself though I wasn't aware of it was that I couldn't do it. I couldn't do school, I couldn't save money, I couldn't do it and eventually I believed it. So if a task made me anxious I pushed it away. I managed to get a high school diploma without ever writing a paper longer than 2 pages or doing any substantial research for projects. After school I continued to decide things in extremes, either I wanted to do something now or I never wanted to do it. I "had" to do ____ because I thought that was what I was suppose to do. I pushed myself to try community college and then gave it up and was bent on trying to get a job that wouldn't require a degree because I was NOT going back to school. My life was just so clouded by this anxiety and I didn't see it even with all the wonderful therapy.
Then I came here and though for four months Ross was teaching me so much I wasn't very aware of it. I was partly using him to help me avoid having to make any real life decisions on my own. If I stayed with him I could move from this house as a nanny to London with him and get some kind of job. I wouldn't have to do things on my own and yet while I was with him I was starting to branch out and become a bit more independent but it wasn't till he let me go that I saw I was standing on my own two feet on solid ground. Not only that but that frenetic energy that told me I had to do something now or never was gone. The need to make instant decisions had disappeared and now I'm this brand new me; a me that had wanted to come out for a long time.
I am interested in going back to school. There are so many things I want to learn and do with my life. Something Ross said to me at one point was "I've always known what I've wanted to do and I find it hard to empathize with someone who isn't sure yet of what they want to do" I retorted " I know what I want to do, I want to help people". I'd never really said it out loud before I'd kind of hemmed and hawed between ideas but bam I said it and now I'm trying to figure out how to do that. My current thoughts are to get a degree in psychology and then get a job doing some type of therapy with youths. I liked the sound of Forensic Psychologist where you help rehabilitate offenders and do other various similar tasks. I'm not sold on any one idea but I do have a direction and now I'm just trying to figure out exactly how to execute it all. I don't feel ready to go back to California I really want to move into London to explore, learn and grow there, but that may not be the best plan for me. If any of you out there reading this have worked and gone to school simultaneously I'd love to hear about your experience. What your struggles were what method's you used to cope with the busy schedule etc. Any advice is more than welcome.
People tend to emulate qualities they admire in other people so I suppose by trying to emulate Ross' confidence I found my own and with that confidence I learned all that I just told you. I'm so excited now to experience the world as me and to continue to grow up and learn. I think the nannying thing has become less interesting to me than in the beginning because I want to challenge myself and I'm ready to take on those challenges. It has provided for an excellent place to grow away from my parents and California. It is also a good haven as I try to formulate a next step so I'm not knocking the job completely it has a lot of benefits that have been and still are important for me. Its just time for something new.
In other random news I told Amy yesterday I was going to paint my finger nails white with red crosses on them in lieu of the world cup and she then asked if I would do it for her so tonight its going to be a girly painting nails thing :). Tommorow I head off to Harlow for a relaxing weekend...well mostly relaxing there maybe some shouting at the telle screen, ;) I expect not to much though as we shall win. Teehee. Have a lovely week everyone and enjoy whatever it is you are doing!
Sunday, 6 June 2010
A change is gonna come
One way or another change comes into all of our lives. I personally find it best to not try and fight it too much. I re-read my last blog to remind myself of what I said. It hasn't been a week since that blog and I have many new thoughts and ideas and find myself in a different place than 5 days ago. Much has also happened and my brain has probably also been working in over drive just a bit as one does when you are processing something not so simple.
Last week as I mentioned I spent my hours in various states of either up or down. One thing I had decided though was to not mope about all weekend as that accomplishes nothing. So I went to google and typed "How to meet people in London", haha but it worked. I found a website called city socializing and signed up. Its a place where people can find events to go to with other people from the website. You can also create an event yourself and CS creates some larger events to really help everyone on the CS website to meet each other. So I signed up for an event of 35 people on Friday evening which was held at a bar called the Albert and Pearl in Islington. I was a bit nervous when I got there, we had a reserved room on the 1st floor. But as everyone is there to meet new people I got into the groove and started chatting round. I made pretty good friends with a very tall teacher called Matt. We chatted along with his friend Nile in the beginning then we wondered off and I met some various others who were all nice and in the end of the evening I was chatting with Matt again. Round 11pmish I had to head back to Victoria station to get the last train to Oxted. Christopher who I had met on the train coming into London earlier that evening was at Victoria after being out with other friends and rang me to see if I was heading home so we met up at the station. There was an 11:50 to Oxted that was just about to leave when I got there but Chris wanted to have a pint so I said no worries we'll catch the 12:23. Well turns out I had gotten train times confused and the 11:50 to Oxted WAS the last train. We asked a conductor what to do and he said "go to East Croyden and get off there". I tried to ask if there was a bus or something but he hurried us along as the train was about to leave so we jumped on. We got off at East Croyden and instead of finding a bus we went dancing till 3am which was an absolute blast. Afterwards we hopped over to his friends about a mile from the station where I crashed on the couch for a few hours while the rest of them chatted. Chris and I left around 5:30am and walked to the station and I was back home before 6:30. Quite a night, got a few more hours of sleep then was up getting ready for a picnic in Brixton (in SW London).
The picnic went well about 12 of us showed up for it. The dynamics were interesting. At first people were a bit cautious though nice. After a bit we started a game of footie (soccer) which I played 3min of very aggressively then was out of breath and a bit ill because I had just eaten :(. And after the game of footie everyone collapsed back on the blankets and you could just tell everyone had relaxed and we were just chatting as friends even though we had all met for the first time about 4 hrs ago. At 7p, 7 of us went on to another CS event in Covent Garden which was huge. Around 50 people showed up and it was quite loud. Had to shout to be heard which was a pity but I met quite a few nice new people there as well. So far I think the lot from the park I'll hang out with again, wouldn't be surprised if all of us actually get together again to do something. Then there was a very comical Irishman by the name of Paul I'll definitely hang out with again. He was the one person from the weekend with whom I really hit it off with. All in all I was well pleased with all the CS events I attended and I look forward to more.
Today (sunday) I just took myself out. Went for my 3.5mi walk just before it rained then went to Knole Park and took pictures of deer and had the life scared outta me when thunder clapped right over my head. After that headed to the movies. I ended up there about 1.5hrs early so I went to a near by Italian place for some drinks and a tomato soup. As I was sitting at the bar two ladies were chatting and I heard them mention the cinema so when one went off to the loo I asked the other what they were going to see and then we got chatting. In the end I walked off with both their numbers and the promise to have girly drinks sometime :).
Now Sunday evening a full week after things changed quite dramatically I find that I have in fact gained a lot more than I lost. Now that is no offense to Ross who as I have said is an incredible person. But the relationship wasn't really working out. We failed to truly connect for various reasons and it became more about me putting much more energy into it all than I really should have, which is what I do. Now I have the freedom and the energy back to do the things in life I want to. I've met so many people this weekend. I must have talked to at least 30 new people in 48hours. As my therapist has said I have to practice putting my eggs into multiple baskets. When I came here I put every egg into the Ross basket and didn't have any left for myself. Now I've got em all back in the me basket and I'm dolling them out. Some for my new friends. A few into the exercise basket and some into the job research basket etc. I feel I've come to the place in my life I've been searching for for several years but when I started looking for this place I was too young to be here and now I find I'm in the right place at the right time. So to everyone of you that read this and even those that don't thank you for being part of my life. I am enjoying this person I have become and I couldn't be this person without everyone of you. You have all taught me something wether you are aware of it or not so thank you. Love you all millions and millions. Now go have a lovely day or evening and enjoy the week ahead. LETS GO ENGLAND for the world cup!!!!!!!!!!! They play US this Sunday 8:30p South African time. WOOOOOO, were gonna whoop your butts US :p.
buwahahaha
xxx
Bron
Last week as I mentioned I spent my hours in various states of either up or down. One thing I had decided though was to not mope about all weekend as that accomplishes nothing. So I went to google and typed "How to meet people in London", haha but it worked. I found a website called city socializing and signed up. Its a place where people can find events to go to with other people from the website. You can also create an event yourself and CS creates some larger events to really help everyone on the CS website to meet each other. So I signed up for an event of 35 people on Friday evening which was held at a bar called the Albert and Pearl in Islington. I was a bit nervous when I got there, we had a reserved room on the 1st floor. But as everyone is there to meet new people I got into the groove and started chatting round. I made pretty good friends with a very tall teacher called Matt. We chatted along with his friend Nile in the beginning then we wondered off and I met some various others who were all nice and in the end of the evening I was chatting with Matt again. Round 11pmish I had to head back to Victoria station to get the last train to Oxted. Christopher who I had met on the train coming into London earlier that evening was at Victoria after being out with other friends and rang me to see if I was heading home so we met up at the station. There was an 11:50 to Oxted that was just about to leave when I got there but Chris wanted to have a pint so I said no worries we'll catch the 12:23. Well turns out I had gotten train times confused and the 11:50 to Oxted WAS the last train. We asked a conductor what to do and he said "go to East Croyden and get off there". I tried to ask if there was a bus or something but he hurried us along as the train was about to leave so we jumped on. We got off at East Croyden and instead of finding a bus we went dancing till 3am which was an absolute blast. Afterwards we hopped over to his friends about a mile from the station where I crashed on the couch for a few hours while the rest of them chatted. Chris and I left around 5:30am and walked to the station and I was back home before 6:30. Quite a night, got a few more hours of sleep then was up getting ready for a picnic in Brixton (in SW London).
The picnic went well about 12 of us showed up for it. The dynamics were interesting. At first people were a bit cautious though nice. After a bit we started a game of footie (soccer) which I played 3min of very aggressively then was out of breath and a bit ill because I had just eaten :(. And after the game of footie everyone collapsed back on the blankets and you could just tell everyone had relaxed and we were just chatting as friends even though we had all met for the first time about 4 hrs ago. At 7p, 7 of us went on to another CS event in Covent Garden which was huge. Around 50 people showed up and it was quite loud. Had to shout to be heard which was a pity but I met quite a few nice new people there as well. So far I think the lot from the park I'll hang out with again, wouldn't be surprised if all of us actually get together again to do something. Then there was a very comical Irishman by the name of Paul I'll definitely hang out with again. He was the one person from the weekend with whom I really hit it off with. All in all I was well pleased with all the CS events I attended and I look forward to more.
Today (sunday) I just took myself out. Went for my 3.5mi walk just before it rained then went to Knole Park and took pictures of deer and had the life scared outta me when thunder clapped right over my head. After that headed to the movies. I ended up there about 1.5hrs early so I went to a near by Italian place for some drinks and a tomato soup. As I was sitting at the bar two ladies were chatting and I heard them mention the cinema so when one went off to the loo I asked the other what they were going to see and then we got chatting. In the end I walked off with both their numbers and the promise to have girly drinks sometime :).
Now Sunday evening a full week after things changed quite dramatically I find that I have in fact gained a lot more than I lost. Now that is no offense to Ross who as I have said is an incredible person. But the relationship wasn't really working out. We failed to truly connect for various reasons and it became more about me putting much more energy into it all than I really should have, which is what I do. Now I have the freedom and the energy back to do the things in life I want to. I've met so many people this weekend. I must have talked to at least 30 new people in 48hours. As my therapist has said I have to practice putting my eggs into multiple baskets. When I came here I put every egg into the Ross basket and didn't have any left for myself. Now I've got em all back in the me basket and I'm dolling them out. Some for my new friends. A few into the exercise basket and some into the job research basket etc. I feel I've come to the place in my life I've been searching for for several years but when I started looking for this place I was too young to be here and now I find I'm in the right place at the right time. So to everyone of you that read this and even those that don't thank you for being part of my life. I am enjoying this person I have become and I couldn't be this person without everyone of you. You have all taught me something wether you are aware of it or not so thank you. Love you all millions and millions. Now go have a lovely day or evening and enjoy the week ahead. LETS GO ENGLAND for the world cup!!!!!!!!!!! They play US this Sunday 8:30p South African time. WOOOOOO, were gonna whoop your butts US :p.
buwahahaha
xxx
Bron
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